Community- Through the Looking Glass

Natural disasters, warfare, physical and sexual assault, and domestic abuses including verbal abuse; all are recognized as instances in which someone has been hurt. Society offers help to the sufferers of these traumas in the form of medical attention, counseling and legal protections. Most pointedly, society extends its empathy to them.

Then there are adoptees… Adoptees are stolen away from what many refer to as the most sacred relationship in life- mother/child. They are handed to strangers. They are robbed of their names, their histories, their biological truths, and their existential anchor in the world- their birthmothers. And then they’re told that none of this is significant, nothing really “happened,” they really haven’t lost anything at all.

I call adoption the “through the looking glass” trauma. All other traumas are instances where something that shouldn’t have happened did. Adoption is a scenario in which something that should have happened and didn’t. The “should-have” is the continuation of the mother-child bond and all the universal continuities that go with it.

Because adoption trauma is not the result of an action, but rather is the result of a non-action, or void, it goes broadly unacknowledged as a traumatic experience. Adoptees are often even expected to be grateful for their placement into a “better life.” Adoptees who are aware that they’re experiencing pain related to adoption are left feeling “crazy” and very, very alone.

Did you know that about 1 of 10 people in America are directly affected by adoption, being either adoptee/birth parent/adoptive parent, or living in the immediate family of one of those parties? When you think about it, 1 in 10 is a lot. If you’re in a restaurant full of 30 people, there are two other people in the room with you who are affected by adoption. If you’re surrounded by 100 people in your workplace, there are 10 who are “in the adoption boat” with you. We’re all basically tripping over each other and we don’t even know it. Meanwhile, we’re walking through life feeling alone and isolated in our pain.

This month we’ll talk about finding ways of connecting with others who are struggling with adoption-related trauma. For starters, take a day to notice people around you, knowing that many of them must be "Through the Looking Glass" of adoption along with you. Can you really imagine this truth? Does everyone else look “normal” in contrast to your “crazy”? Do you feel comforted by the thought that other adoptees are nearby? Do you feel even lonelier since their adoptive status is unknown to you?

Estimate how many people you’ve crossed paths with in a day- everyone from family to friends to work acquaintances to people in the grocery store. Divide that number by 10. That’s how many folks you’ve probably encountered who well may be suffering loss related to adoption.