Community- Safety

I happened by accident upon a book title on Amazon one day. The book's title, “Adoption Healing,” struck me deeply. I had never heard, or imagined, those two words put together before. It was a curious (and promising) idea, I thought. I ordered the book and it arrived that same week.

And then it sat. And it sat more. It sat so long I began to wonder why I hadn’t just taken it to the used book store yet. I had already concluded that it didn’t look like the “right read” for me, yet I just kept letting it sit. I avoided it. It was almost like I was afraid to walk too close to it. I didn’t want to deal with it, not even in taking it to the book store. A couple months passed. I grew less wary. Those words on the pages- words I hadn’t even looked at yet- were settling in to our house, making themselves comfy on the shelf and maybe watching TV over my shoulder at night. I became unafraid to walk past them. And one day, prompted by nothing in particular, I picked the words up and finally read them.

Reading “Adoption Healing” challenged me to think about, and really deal with, my “adoption emotions.” This book represented the most painful aspect of my life. Having it under my roof prompted subconscious emotions to surface. I needed time for my courage to grow and my curiosity to percolate. When I was finally ready to read “Adoption Healing,” I found insight, validation, and a newfound sense that a whole community of people (adoptees) were out there in the world struggling with the same issues I was.

That book was a life-changer. Reading it was the single best thing I ever did for myself. It was a pivotal step to putting me on a new, more content, less isolated path. I had feared what I most needed… help with my pain and a “community” (though not yet personal acquaintances) who could help me.

Feeling part of any community hinges on having things in common with the other members- this is obviously step one in engaging in a community, right? Well, no, not really. That’s step 2. Step one is about having enough sense of trust in others to feel safe enough engaging with them in the first place. Step 1 doesn’t always come so naturally or smoothly for adoptees. Adoptees, consciously or not, can have a very hard time believing that even their very first community- the adoptive family- is an inherently safe and stable place to be (even though the family may have indeed been completely safe and reliable). So, in my case, it took the relative safety of reading a book about adoption- which I had also been afraid of!) to prepare me for even thinking about engaging in person-to-person conversations with adoptees, about adoption.

I’d offer that, in reading this blog, you’ve just accomplished a courageous act. Participating here could be preparing you for taking that really important “physical” leap into dialouging with the people who make up the community of Adoptees. They’re at support groups and group counseling sessions and conferences. You can’t imagine the soul food these settings provide until you experience them. But in the mean time, I’d like to point you toward some excellent “readable” resources.

BOOKS: There are an abundance of books in publication now on adoption, easily findable on Amazon. Different books suit different sensibilities and there are lots of great books to choose from. There are two books in particular that I consider must-reads for adoptees, as I consider them to be the most important works addressing the “adoptee-experience”. The first is “The Primal Wound; Understanding the Adopted Child,” by Nancy Newton Verrier. The second- which is the book I referred to in this blog- is “Adoption Healing; A Path to Recovery,” by adoptee and therapist Joe Soll. These two books address the core emotional, or even spiritual, aspects of adoption in a way that really provides the building blocks for healing and navigating adoption related wounds. Don’t miss them.

ONLINE: Author Joe Soll also has a web site, adoptioncrossroads.com. It’s a plethora of information on adoption. The site has a 24/7 chat room for adoptees and Joe personally hosts a nightly chat session.

ORGANIZATIONS: The American Adoption Congress (americanadoptioncongress.org) and the Evan B. Donaldson Institute (adoptioninstitute.org). Both organizations advocate for changing and improving adoption practices and policies. Their efforts include political advocacy, education, and research. Take a look at how hard these organizations are working for the benefit of adoptees. Read read read. Until the time comes when you’re ready to talk. And then you'll maybe find that you can’t seem to stop talking… fearlessly…