Late Discovery Adoption

After a delay due to technical difficulty, it's here- excerpts from my conversation with new friend and late-discovery adoptee Jenni Dyman...

On June 23, I traveled to Albuquerque, NM, to meet fellow adoptee Jenni Dyman. Jenni is currently the New Mexico Representative for the American Adoption Congress, which is how we became acquainted.

Jenni is a late-discovery adoptee- the term refers to adoptees who discover their adoptive status in their adulthood. In the spring of this year I had mentioned to Jenni that I was very interested in the late-discovery aspect of adoption and that I wondered whether she would like to do an interview for the blog at some point. Jenni said she would be glad to. Our interview was a long, wonderful talk about her experience. Our talk started with the overview of her story.

Jenni was born in 1941 in Oklahoma City at the "Home of Redeeming Love," a Free Methodist institution for unwed mothers. (Jenni noted during our conversation that if there were one to be said of the "good ladies of the home," it would be their meticulous record-keeping, which would prove to be very helpful to her in understanding her story.)Jenni was adopted shortly after birth by an Oklahoma couple with one (biological) son, aged 15. Jenni said that because of the difference in her and her adoptive brother’s ages, she basically grew up as an only child.

When Jenni was 57 (1998) she embarked on a genealogy project simply out of her general interest in genealogy. She began contacting relatives, asking them to send information on family history. A cousin responded by providing a family tree that an aunt had created years earlier. On the tree, Jenni was listed as “Jenni (adopted)”.

Jenni’s brother, “after much stonewalling,” confirmed that it was true that Jenni was adopted. After a long and frustrating search and finally going to court to get her birth certificate, Jenni found the identity of her mother. She learned that her mother had died in 1996, coincidentally the same year that her adoptive mother had died.

Here, our interview began.

Q: Jenni, as the shock-factor wore off, what was the most prominent emotion you experienced in discovering you were adopted?

A: It was relief.

Q: How do you mean?

A: My parents were very strange people. [pause] They weren’t abusive, but they were very strange.

Q: So you were relieved to not have “come from them”?

A: Yes. When I told my son that I’d learned I was adopted, he said, “That explains a lot.”

[We both laugh]

Q: What was your first “action response” following the discovery?

A: I joined Adoptees in Search in Denver. They were a great help in finding resources for what would be my long sleuthing project. And they provided needed support. I recommend support groups (if available) for anyone searching. I also, in time, discovered the American Adoption Congress which has many resources to help adoptees and birthparents who are searching. If one has no support group available nearby, there are now many online resources.

Q. You eventually got complete records from the adoption home.

A: Yes, after some time. Initially I only received non-identifying info. I began my search with that information. Eventually I did go to court to get my birth certificate and received it; my original birth certificate had my original name which was Geneva Ann (rather nicely sounding like Jenni) and also my mother’s name. Later I was able to get all my records from the adoption agency since my adoptive parents and birthmother were deceased, and likely my birthfather was be deceased as well. One advantage of searching when you are older is that it is easier to work with the system. I learned that my birthmother had come from an extremely poor family. They were sharecroppers. I was surprised that my parents had adopted from poor circumstances as they could be quite prejudiced about poor people.

My birthmother was 33 although she lied about her age (25) at the maternity home. I think she thought that, given her age and situation (divorced with two children,) that the home might not take her. The hardworking, meticulous ladies at the Home of Redeeming Love, of course, caught her in her lie. They researched her past and
discovered she was born in 1907. They actually found out a lot about her and realized that she lied quite a bit about her past. I still do not know who my birthfather was.

Q: After you found your mother, you started looking for all the relatives you could find. How was that?

A: It was good. I met an aunt, cousins, and nephews and was welcomed by them all. My nephews tell me I look like their father, my half brother. A cousin has said I look like my mother. My aunt unfortunately has macular degeneration so is not able to assess my appearance fully.

Q: It’s great that you have such a good, ongoing relationship with them.

A: Yes. All but with my half sister. I think she’s very jealous of the life I had. We used to talk on the phone but it got to the point where she was too angry at me all the time and we quit talking. But then, she doesn’t get along with anyone else in the family, either.

Q: Well, I guess that sums it up, then.

[We laugh again]

A: They’re a very interesting family. I have liked them from the initial meetings. One thing I like is that my nephews and their families will gather in the living room, as though around the cracker barrel, and they’ll talk for a while, and then they’ll go quiet, and they’ll all just sit there quietly together until someone has something to say. No one rushes out of the room or texts while we are talking. It’s all very comfortable.

Q: Do you have pictures of your mother?

A: Yes, but they’re old and not in very good shape. My Aunt Johnnie, my mother’s sister, tells me lots of good stories about her. My mother wore the same brand of cosmetics that I used to wear and fried okra was one of her favorite foods—mine too. She apparently could cook great fried okra.

Q: I always like to ask adoptees, “What might have been different if you had been raised by your natural mother?”

A: I think I would have liked being part of an extended family. My adoptive family never spent much time with relatives or went to family reunions. We were isolated. On the other hand, my adoptive family was more middle class. I have had educational opportunities that I would not have had in my birth family. I am the only college graduate in my generation or my half siblings’ generation. My grand nephews and nieces are going to college, and my son has a college degree.

Q: Do you think that your adoptive family did not see relatives because they were afraid that someone might slip and tell you that you were adopted?

A: Yes. And they probably would have. Like my cousin who sent the family tree, not knowing I was unaware of being adopted. I have memories from childhood and adolescence, scenes that come to mind about different things in the past, and I think, “Oh, now that makes sense.”

Q: Did you ever feel humiliated, like you were a laughing stock because everyone but you knew you were adopted?

A: No, I never did. I never blamed myself.... I had perfectly good people to blame. [We crack up.] It was a long journey though, with strong feelings of betrayal and anger. I even wondered whether my older brother was actually my birthfather at one point. We worked through that.

Q: And you’re still trying to identify your birthfather and have taken the new Family Finder test?

A: Yes. The new Family Tree DNA Family Finder test is autosomal, meaning it traces both the maternal and paternal lines for five generations. I did get a number of matches (all cousins). Now I am having my 91-year-old aunt, Aunt Johnnie) also do the Family Tree DNA Family Finder test. That will help me sort out my matches, whether they are maternal or paternal. This is exciting and consuming. My father may have the Hughes surname.

I friend of mine does not know who her mother or her father is. She has a potential mother candidate who denies being her mother. She is having the Family Finder test. This could be a real breakthrough for her. The mother candidate’s niece is also taking the test.

My fondest wish now is to find my father’s family. My earlier fondest wish (that will not be fulfilled) was to hear my mother’s voice and to watch her walk across a room. I so wish that I had learned of my adoption earlier so that I would have had a chance to reunite with my mother. I am a major supporter of open adoption and believe that family secrets are toxic and serve no one in the family well.

-End of interview-

I really want to thank Jenni for taking the time for this interview. It has always been so hard for me to imagine what late-discovery must be like, and our conversation was a wonderful learning experience. I'm also so glad that Jenni has happily reconnected with family. Cheers to you for your perserverence, Jenni!

"Paper pregnant"?

I hadn't heard this one before. Prospective adoptive parents are identifying themselves as "paper pregnant" once their written applications to adopt are filed. Through adoption.com I was able to find some discussions amongst adoptive mothers about the terminology. Broad consensus was that the term was helpful to them in understanding their own "gestation" periods- the time when they are anticipating parenthood via adoption.

I wouldn't want to deny prospective adoptive parents a term for understanding or interpreting their emotions as they prepare for parenthood. But "paper pregnant"?...
Paperwork and pregnancy have nothing to do with each other. Paperwork is documentation. Pregnancy is a natural state shared by mother and gestating child.

The implication I sense in the term "paper pregnant" is that of an adoptive mother laying her first claim to another woman's child. The term would obviously be encouraged by the adoption industry as a tactic of deepening prospective adoptive parents' investment in the adoption process. Yet, to my mind, fostering the notion of pregnancy in someone who is not in fact pregnant is a blatantly unhealthy lie. It is an extension of the "as-if" illusion that the adoption industry cultivates.

The "adoption community" of adoptees and birth/first/natural/biological mothers cannot come up with a consensus on birth/first/natural/biological motherhood terminology. Our likelihood of having any sway over the terminology developed by the adoption industry is even less likely to have an impact on any one's thinking. But I thought I'd share this info with people who may be unfamiliar. Knowing ahead of time gives us the chance to not be surprised (and defensive) if confronted with the term out in the world somewhere.

Support Groups

I've been researching starting a support group. I've thought about it off and on for some time, usually coming to two conclusions: Pro- it would be great to have a support resource, and Con- it seems like I have to be the captain of every ship I board in life... please couldn't someone else initiate this? Well, no one has, and I've recently shed one of the boats I was captaining, so now may be the time.

Thus far, I've found some helpful starting-up tips. In the list below, points with an (*) are elements that vary in the models I've looked at, but are in my list of how I'm considering structuring a local group.

Free community event listings and fliers should be enough PR to get started.*
For the best group dynamic, a maximum of 8 participants is recommended.
Meeting place should be a free venue (such as a library or other place where meeting slots can be booked).
Group is limited to adults (18+), birth/first parents and adoptees only.
A professional facilitator (psychologist, therapist, etc) is not required and, from what I've seen, not recommended.

I'm most excited to discover that a "professional" moderator is not recommended because (a) I won't need to find one and (b) I don't need to serve as moderator because we don't need a "host" for the meetings.

So initiating a group is looking much more like rowing a rowboat than piloting a tanker. I'll keep adding tips as I learn them. Meanwhile, it looks like the biggest "problem" would be getting a group larger than 8. That's a problem that's managable- it would be great!

Drama of the Gifted Child

Once in a while, when I see a small child standing quietly, wide-eyed, and curious, I find myself suddenly overtaken with anger. It's a feeling of wanting to say, "Don't you realize how vulnerable you are!? Can't you be a little more vigilant? What's wrong with you?" Then I consciously chase my racing mind down, grab my own arm, and tell myself to calm down. I remind myself that what I'm seeing in the child is myself, young, innocent, vulnerable. I know this to be true but nevertheless feel awful that I directed my feelings toward some other, small, person.

I've always felt ashamed of myself when I've had this experience and would never have talked about it, up until this point. Now, I'm reading Alice Miller's "The Drama of the Gifted Child".

The experience I've described is exactly what Miller's book is all about, (although I still haven't seen mention of what the "gifted" part of the title means and I'm halfway through the book). Miller describes how people replay the drama of their own vulnerabilities over and over in life, projecting their own realities onto others or turning their feelings of pain, fear, and humiliation on themselves, depriving themselves of self esteem.

I've heard "repetition compulsion" addressed before. Hearing about it through Alice Miller's more detailed accounts is really illuminating. I encourage anyone who's ever questioned her/his "negative" responses to life situations to read this book! It could be a life-changer.