Why do you go?

Two days after the Adoption Crossroads conference I was talking with a friend and said how much pain I was having following the experience. (Mistakenly) I engaged in some Q&A with her about "adoption" and soon found myself crying, desperate and frustrated. At that point she asked, "Why do you keep going to these if it makes you so upset?"

I heard the answer in my mind but I didn't speak it. I apologized for my meltdown and said goodnight. I heard myself replying about how if I didn't face and take ownership of my abandonment experience, it would continue to own me... how people say there is hope and there is healing, and how I hate to bring it up but although my name is Joy, I'm not at all joyful or content.

That's how it went 5 days ago. Now, as I experience a level of pain that I'm not sure I can tolerate, the irony is that I'm finding myself seriously asking, "Why do I keep going if it makes me so upset?"