Risk

I recently received a nice card from my Mother, who hasn't initiated a contact with me in several years. (I have contacted her during that time, usually once every 6-9 months.) Her words were really kind and she looks forward to chatting. She signed her name in its ethnic spelling (Ukrainian)- that felt like a little gift to me.

When I do talk to her, I want to ask about the spelling. I also have a mad urge to finally ask her something else... whether she ever considers telling her two sons (my full-brothers) about me. I don't think of this in terms of my own interests. I have such a sense of disconnect from even the idea of them that I don't have any urge to meet them really. But I am interested in it for her sake.

I hate thinking of my Mother living is such secrecy and shame. To my knowledge, she has a sister, two nephews/neices, and her mother, all of whom don't know her secret. I can't imagine the pain of it. It would take such courage to come out with the truth to loved ones, and others. What a huge risk. But in my head I keep hearing what Joe Soll (author, "Adoption Healing") says- "We all can handle the truth." Next, I think of my philosophy about how the fear of a change is always worse than the change itself. My dearest wish for my Mother is that she could free herself from guilt. She doesn't need to be guilty. And I need her, and guilt is holding her back.

What will I actually ask about when I finally talk to her? I never know. Hopefully more than the weather.