The Break

Small kids love talking with their parents about anything and everything. Life’s an open book. One day, perhaps in early in adolescence, kids start holding some things back. Individuating from one’s parents involves a certain sense of privacy. New boundaries go up as kids break away into their own adulthood.

I wonder what it means for adoptees when the first “break” in shared (talked about) experiences happens much earlier...

As a small child, at bedtime, I’d often ask about my birthmother. There in the dark, I’d ask my adoptive mother why my first mother gave me up. The answer was always, “I don’t know,” but I kept asking anyway. I’m guessing I may have been about 6 years old when I asked for the last time. The reason? The “last time” was the very first time that I was consciously, fully aware that my adoptive mother was uncomfortable talking about the subject. It was making her feel bad. I didn’t ask again and didn’t mention the topic of adoption for another 15 years.

Does anyone think that this kind of experience makes adolescence & individuation harder for adoptees than for non-adoptees?