This site is no longer active.

Please visit the recommended links for other resources.

That was fast...

I've taken the position of New Mexico Representative for American Adoption Congress. Within about two weeks of it becoming "official", I received an e-mail from a first-mom who had just renewed her lapsed membership. She is living in the same town as I am. I couldn't be more thrilled. I told her I've felt like I'm living in the Outback (which isn't that much of an overstatement for Southern New Mexico, actually).

Paula and I promptly scheduled a lunch and talked for almost 3 hours. I was amazed to learn of how active she's been in advocacy over the years. She worked for a legislator in Austin for several years and while there saw some adoption legislation moving through. She also organized many regional "retreats", informal, weekend gatherings for moms and adoptees. I told her I had been thinking about working towards exactly that, probably for New Mexico in Socorro (mid-state) and hopefully at some point in Tucson for El Paso, TX, New Mexico, Arizona, and maybe Southern Calif, depending on how ambitious people are about driving.

Anyway, won't recount our entire visit (obviously) but want to express my excitement, particularly because I plan to draw her in for some legislative insight/ideas for New Mexico. (She already knows more about the NM statutes than I do at this point.) Meanwhile I'm studying-up and will be at the Operation Identity conference in Albuquerque, which will include a session on NM's confidential intermediary program.

Original birth certificates

I learned that Pennsylvania will be looking at legislation to open original birth records (OBC's) to adoptees. Strange thing is, when someone excitedly told me of this, I felt I "should" be excited, but really it didn't mean much.

I've located my birthparents and know their names. I have my fake birth certificate that includes(supposedly, my) baby footprints. If I was given a birth name, my natural mother doesn't remember doing so- yet she does she remember my birth date, either- so maybe I did have a birth name. I guess the creepy gap to be discovered is to see if I'm named "Baby Girl" on the paperwork.

There must be some kind of layers of experience in receiving one's OBC. Just can't envision what they'd be.

Advocacy Opportunity for Birthparents

**Important Advocacy Opportunity for Birthparents

*American Adoption Congress is asking everyone to circulate word about this important project (info below) via all available channels- social media, blogs, web sites, fliers, word of mouth, etc. Feel free to copy the verbiage for your postings-

Those who oppose open access to original birth certificates for adoptees claim that birthparents will be harmed and that they were promised anonymity. To counter this, Oregon collected the names of 500 birthmothers who signed a petition favoring access and then published the list as a full page ad in a Seattle newspaper. Many attribute this long list of names in changing public opinion in Oregon. In the wake of a media firestorm created by Oprah's reunion with her sister, American Adoption Congress has an on-line petition for birthparents to sign in support of access. Here is the link, and please add your name only one time.

http://www.viethconsulting.com/members/form.php?orgcode=AMAC&fid=785425

A New Generation

A conversation with a counsellor friend of mine yesterday has my inner-wheels turning. She was remarking that in recent interactions on adoption with 5 young (~17-22) adoptees, she observed a markedly different "comfort level" than that she has seen in those of my generation (40's).

The chats my friend was having with the adoptees weren't counselling sessions, so their scope was narrow. But the little corridor she was able to experience could be compared like this; as a teen, if asked about my sensibility on being an adoptee, I may have (and did) said something like "I'm glad she gave me up!" The vibe that went with the proclamation was anger, denial, and protectiveness of my adoptive parents and my membership in their family. Today, when these young adoptees were asked about their "adoptedness," they exuded calm as they expressed- "It's what she needed to do. I'm ok with it."

My counsellor friend's speculation is that that the difference is related to the absence of stigma in adoption today. We're both left wondering what this generation's experience will be 10, 20 years from now, if or when they become "searchers," and what reunion experience might be like for them. "Reality" takes such shifts from one generation to the next. I'm left wondering to what extent I, or my generation, can be helpful to the next in their quests for their truths.

Mother and Child

The film "Mother and Child" is available to rent now. It's a layered look at adoption- characters include 1st Mom, adoptee, relinquishing Mom, and adopting couple. Perhaps that the stories were so spread around is the reason I was emotionally able to get through it. (Or perhaps I should be thanking my defense mechanisms.) Whatever the case, it helped me to cry- which I can rarely do- and it was helpful. I'd recommend the movie for that reason.

Adoptees, be prepared. The adoptee character is the most tragic.

Risk

I recently received a nice card from my Mother, who hasn't initiated a contact with me in several years. (I have contacted her during that time, usually once every 6-9 months.) Her words were really kind and she looks forward to chatting. She signed her name in its ethnic spelling (Ukrainian)- that felt like a little gift to me.

When I do talk to her, I want to ask about the spelling. I also have a mad urge to finally ask her something else... whether she ever considers telling her two sons (my full-brothers) about me. I don't think of this in terms of my own interests. I have such a sense of disconnect from even the idea of them that I don't have any urge to meet them really. But I am interested in it for her sake.

I hate thinking of my Mother living is such secrecy and shame. To my knowledge, she has a sister, two nephews/neices, and her mother, all of whom don't know her secret. I can't imagine the pain of it. It would take such courage to come out with the truth to loved ones, and others. What a huge risk. But in my head I keep hearing what Joe Soll (author, "Adoption Healing") says- "We all can handle the truth." Next, I think of my philosophy about how the fear of a change is always worse than the change itself. My dearest wish for my Mother is that she could free herself from guilt. She doesn't need to be guilty. And I need her, and guilt is holding her back.

What will I actually ask about when I finally talk to her? I never know. Hopefully more than the weather.